Happy Mental Health Month! (this one is personal)

A few years back, I had a bad day. My heart was beating faster than normal, I was not in a good mood, feeling sad and angry, my hands were shaking, and I was kind of dizzy. These things happen. Everyone has a bad day every now and then. But this day was different. Whenever I have a day like this, I can usually figure out what put me in this mood. But this day was different. I don't know what triggered all this. I could point to someone who was being rude, not getting enough sleep, or a fight with someone. But on this day, none of those things happened. I was just feeling weird.

I wasn't sure what to think, so I did what most people do when they are feeling weird: I googled my symptoms.

Just so you know, I am not the kind of person who spends his time on WebMD trying to figure out if I have some rare form of cancer. If I look up a symptom, I see what I most likely might be, and see my doctor just to confirm it's hemorrhoids, and not colon cancer. I don't go worst-case scenario when I'm sick, and tend to stay pretty level headed.

Since I was shaking and had a higher heart-rate, I thought this might be some sort of panic attack. So I googled "signs of anxiety." Before the site I clicked gave the "12 Signs of Anxiety," it said "If you experience any of the following symptoms on a regular basis, you may want to talk with your doctor." With that noted, I jumped in.

1. Excessive worry
   On some days, who doesn't?
2. Sleep problems
   No more then anyone else.
3. Irrational fears
   I don't like spiders? But I don't run away from them and think they are out to get me.
4. Muscle tension
   Nope.
5. Chronic indigestion
   Only when I don't eat right.
6. Stage fright
   Oh yeah. But I have been doing it for so long, overcoming it turns into a high.
7. Self-consciousness
   Yeah, but no more than normal.
8. Panic
   If I ever do, I'm pretty good at keeping it under control.
9. Flashbacks
   I'd say this one is right.
10. Perfectionism
    Hah! Not hardly.
11. Compulsive behaviors
    Sometimes, but not really
12. Self-doubt
    I'm a musician. It comes with the territory.

So no anxiety.

Then I saw a link for the next article saying "12 Signs of Depression," and I thought, I already dove in, so why not swim a little longer?

1. Fatigue
   Like always.

2. Sleeping too much or too little
   I'll either sleep for 10 hours, or stay up all night and only sleep for 2.

3. Stomachache or backache
   Backache to the point of always keeping Ibuprofen on hand.

4. Irritability
   Yeah, but I keep it to myself...for the most part.

5. Difficulty concentrating
   Friends have told me in the past that I have to have ADHD, it's not that bad. However, school was rough, and I'd often start studying, and then just stray off somewhere else.

6. Anger or hostility
   Oh yeah. But only around people I've been around a lot. So Michelle would know this to be true.

7. Stress
   Yeah. Put too much on myself sometimes.

8. Anxiety
   Well I was shaking and my heart was jumping.

9. Substance abuse
   No. I've always known my limits with alcohol. 

10. Sexual dysfunction
    That is kind of personal, but no.

11. Indecision
    I always take too long making any decision. When it comes to picking a place to eat, I'm the stereotypical girlfriend/wife. "Where do you wanna eat?"

12. Suicidal thoughts
    No. Not really. While driving I'll sometimes wonder what it would be like to drive off a cliff, but don't really want to because, well, I'd die, and I don't want to die.

After reading this list, not only could I relate to it, but it almost read like a laundry list of my life.

I remembered time when I was younger, just taking out my anger and frustration on a video game, yelling at the aliens I was shooting. "Die! Take that! Take that stupid! You stupid idiot!" Just yelling at the top of my lungs. My oldest brother walks in from outside saying "Sam! Stop yelling so much! It sounds like you're beating someone up, and the neighbors will think something is wrong."
I stopped what I was doing, and just wondered why I had such a crazy outburst.

Another time when I didn't have enough money for a trip, and my parents said they would buy my car back from me so I can use that money and still go on the tour. This should have been a good thing, but for me it was worth screaming and crying in front of my parents shop. My dad tells me to calm down because it sounds like they're beating me up. I realize it does, and start reeling it in, and regaining some sort of composure, pull myself off the ground.

And another time, while walking through the streets of Chicago with tour mates, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me. I put in the headphones on my iPod, and shuffled everything because I couldn't figure out what to listen to. I was having a great day in here with friends that I had spent years getting to know, and weeks in a van learning to love, walking around after having Deep Dish Pizza at Gino's East, and I felt terrible. Looking back at that, I can see darkness robbing me of that moment.

I texted Michelle the link asking her if this sounded like me.

She didn't reply right away.

Eventually I asked again, but on the phone, and she admitted it did, and it kind of freaked her out a bit.

I realized I needed to talk to my doctor. I told Michelle the next time I see the doctor, because I was going pretty much every other month, that I will bring this up.

So I avoided going to the doctor for a year.

Eventually I had to go in order to get a prescription refilled, and with my heartbeat racing, hands shaking, I asked him about depression, and how I might have it. He said that would explain why my blood pressure was higher this visit.

He handed me a form with the familiar questions above, but this one was a little different. Instead of asking if I ever felt a certain way, it asked how often I felt that way (on a scale from 0-4, 0 being not at all, and 4 being every day), and under "Thought's of Suicide" it added "or thoughts of self-harm." Like I said above, I don't really have thoughts of killing myself. But hurting myself? 

Every. 

Damn. 

Day.

(Talking with Michelle about it afterwards, I found out it's not normal to every day get so frustrated with life/work/school that you have the urge to smash your head up against a wall to see what breaks first...)

My score was high, which meant that I was undoubtedly depressed. 

We started off with a smaller dose of an antidepressant. The way it works, because I looked into it, you start off taking a smaller dosage, and then it doubles after a few weeks, and then doubles again until you have the right amount. And you won't know the effects for at least two weeks.

I'll admit, I was scared. I couldn't get it out of my head. I was afraid of what might happen. Does being on these meds mean I'm admitting I'm crazy? Will these pills change who I am? Will I start to become numb? Will I stop feeling like me? What if the pills work the opposite way and I actually become suicidal? Am I crazy?

I was supposed to have practice that night with Alex, and I told him I couldn't make it, but that I'd stop by. I bought a beer, and told him and his wife Samantha that I was about to start some antidepressants, and I my mind was so occupied with that, I don't think I'd be able to concentrate on music. Both Sam and Alex were completely understanding, and I couldn't ask for better friends to talk to about it with.

I went home that night and started my first dose of 37.5mg Effexor.

Those two weeks sucked. Not because everything started changing though. It was because nothing was happening.

Like I said earlier, it takes at least two weeks before you start to feel anything, and I was growing impatient.

I remember going out with Michelle and being completely frustrated that she couldn't figure out where she wanted to eat. We were in front of The Maya Cinemas watching all the people waiting in line to see Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice on it's opening night, and I was mad because I needed to go out driving with Uber and Lyft to make some money, and we were just sitting around, and Michelle couldn't make up her mind about dinner, and I was slowly getting pissed off. I couldn't understand how Michelle didn't understand that I needed to be out driving in order to make money, and sometimes that was during nights when she wanted to go out. And I didn't know if I was being unreasonable, or if Michelle was really just being selfish. It made me feel very alone, even though Michelle was right there. 

This was a fairly normal thing for me. Michelle and I would say I was "in a funk." Sometimes I had reasons why, and sometimes I just was. But when it happened, Michelle would usually not talk to me because anything she said or did could trigger an emotional fit, with either me crying, her crying, or both of us trying to figure out how we got here.

Also note, when I got to this point, prayer and faith didn't help much. Because when you're that far gone, it's not hard to start believing while you're praying, God is "remembering the Sabbath," and your words are falling on deaf ears. Or worse, I'm getting what I deserve, or that everything isn't going right because of me. My sin being the main cause for the suffering of my family and friends isn't foreign to me, and would often keep me up at night as a kid. Thinking I did something wrong being why my sister is sick, or why my brother broke up with his girlfriend, or my parents business slowing down would make sense to my teenage mind.

That night, I was in a deep funk. I couldn't tell you if I was more angry, sad, lonely, depressed, betrayed, or annoyed, but it was a terrible cocktail of emotions that I was more then sure was not my fault. This was ten days into taking pills, and it was the last time I remember this feeling that strong.

Two weeks after I started the meds, I had a followup with my doctor, and he asked if I noticed anything different.

At that time, the only thing I could surely point to that was better was how much easier it was to get up in the morning. I wasn't laying in bed until I only had five minutes to leave for work and still need to shower (I'll just wash my hair and put on deodorant and cologne, and blame it on traffic or a train).

He said this was signs of improvement, and showed that the medication was working, and how we should double to dosage up to 75mg, and eventually to 150mg.

A month later, went back for another followup and filled out the same questionnaire, but noticed the numbers were lower. He asked me if I noticed anything different. I said I guess so. Getting up is easier, but I can't really tell if I'm emotionally any better. "I guess I feel better, but I'm not sure how to tell." He told me I should ask my wife and see if she's noticed anything different.

I brought it up to Michelle, thinking maybe she didn't notice anything new, but she shocked me instead.

"You don't get mad at me anymore over stupid things."

I stopped to take inventory over what that meant.

I would often unload on Michelle over something she'd done, often saying how she didn't seem to care because of something she did. I would have my feelings hurt, and she would be upset because she doesn't know why I should be mad, like that "Lonely Night at Maya" mentioned above. 

A great example Michelle reminded me of was one time when she clean the bathroom, including "my side" of the counter. She organized the mess a bit but left it for me to rearrange how I'd want it. And I was lost it. I started crying because I told her I'd take care of it (a month ago) and she didn't listen to me. She crossed a line (literally and metaphorically) and I was pissed. Why doesn't she trust me? Why can't she just listen to me?

But really, all she did was clean up the bathroom a little, and not make my side look like a disaster.


And that pretty much stopped. 

From that moment on, I knew it was working.

If I feel some wave of emotion, or feel myself slipping into "a funk", I can acknowledge it, and process my way through it. My depression is no longer something that controls and robs me, but instead it's on a leash, and able to be controlled. Sometimes it can get out of hand (I can usually tell when I have a hard time getting out of bed), but I feel like it's manageable. Like I tell when a darkness is coming, and when it's my depression trying to take over. I know I was afraid of the drugs making me feel like someone else, but really, they make me feel more like myself.

Yeah I'll still have bad days, but they don't control me anymore.

So I'm not sharing this story to try and gain sympathy, or even tell people how great I am. 

The main reason I'm sharing this is I'm tired of people not wanting to talk about mental health issues. People talk about depression, and it scares everyone. No one wants to talk openly about how crippling their anxiety is, because they don't want people to think something is wrong with them.

I know my fear is that people will somehow start thinking that since I'm depressed they should watch over me all the time in case I become suicidal. "Maybe Sam shouldn't be in the kitchen with the sharp knives...", "Don't leave Sam alone with in the pool..." and so forth. But don't worry about me. I'm in a good place right now.

But this is something we as a society need to talk about. I'll share one story real quick that hit me personally.

I had a coworker, who I'll call L, a few years back that wasn't doing a good job. L was new, and younger than most people in our line of work, and it wasn't working for her. However, she was a sweetheart. She was into hunting, and I asked her if she'd ever be able to bring some Bambi Burgers or Bambi Jerky (if you haven't had it, you don't know what you are missing). L said she would sometime, but she was fired before she got the chance to. We became friends on Facebook, so I kept in touch with her. 

Months go by, and she shares this post on her wall...

I saw the post, but I didn't do anything about it. People share these things all the time, and I don't really care much for them. It's just another form of the chain mail we would get in our email inboxes and LiveJournal posts, and I very rarely would give them a second glance.

The next day, while checking Facebook, I saw many of her friends commenting on her wall. Post after post after post talking to her. But it didn't say it was her birthday. I read one of them, then another, then another, and they all said the same thing: 

"Why did you have to kill yourself?"

She posted this note, and then killed herself. No one saw it coming.

Things like this don't need to happen. 

The stigma that comes with mental illness needs to stop. 

I'm tired of the only time people are willing to talk about mental health issues being after a mass shooting or suicide. I hate it because then when people only bring it up after someone snapped and killed themselves or others, those of us that have something wrong don't want to say anything because we get associated with it. If you think that's not true, check out the talking heads on news outlets next time it happens and get back to me. Every time something goes wrong, it's because "we need to talk about mental health issues," but no one wants to be the first to say "I think something is wrong with me," because they're afraid they'll be put on some watch list or have family members think they'll go on a shooting rampage, when really they just want help without the attention. 

When we start associating mental health issues with tragedies, it only increases the stigma attached to it, which means people don't talk about it, stuff goes untreated, and we end up with more people, like L, killing themselves.

So I'm starting now.

I'm not hiding my depression anymore.

This is who I am.

I have depression. 

Depression does not have me.

I have good days.

I have bad days.

But I'm better.

And I will get better.

I'm a moron.

I went to MasterCuts today to get my traditional "sibling is getting married and I've gotta not look like a bum" haircut, and got a little more taken off than I wanted.

Half-way through the cut, a guy walks in asking if they do eyebrow waxing, and went next-door to see how much threading would cost. I ask the stylist what the difference between them is, since I don't really know, and she gives me the whole spiel about what is better.

After she was done cutting my hair, she said "You want some wax?" I thought she was asking if I wanted any product in my hair.

"Yeah. Why not."

So she walks me over to another area where I would normally get my hair washed, and then she started putting some stuff on my eyebrows. I was wondering what was going on. "They don't normally put stuff in my eyebrows..."

Oh crap.

At this point, what do I say?! I don't wanna seem like a moron.
"Oh yeah. We were just talking about it. I thought you were talking about hair wax or pomade."

So I did nothing.

I let her wax my eyebrows.

Reading, Lent, and Goals.

"Lent is about renewal, not just removal. God, give us the strength to let go of what's blocking our view of You." - Bob Goff

I'm not Catholic, but every year when Lent comes around I wonder if I'll give up something. Being brought up in Protestant churches my whole life, I didn't know what Lent was. Years back, a church I was attending (my dad was the youth pastor) did Lent, and I understood it to be a time of fasting between Ash Wednesday and Easter. The thought of fasting from something for 40 days seemed fun, but that was about it.

Over the years, I've mostly given up soda. A few years back I gave up alcohol. Both weren't much of a challenge. Still, I don't think I was quite getting it.

Yeah. I'm giving up something. But is that fasting? Or is that just a diet? In that case, I fasted from carbs a couple years ago and lost 20 pounds.

That just doesn't sound right.

I haven't fasted for lent in over three years, and I thought this would be another year of me thinking about what to give up, and deciding to do nothing. Instead, this came up.

As I've said in prior posts, I have a goal of reading at least 10,000 pages in one year, and I've been doing killing it! On March 3 I finished my sixth book, taking my page count to 1669. I'm already off to a great start.

However, I was convicted. Here I am reading all these books, but the one book I say is my favorite, the one I argue and debate with friends about, and the one I base my life around, I don't read at all: I need to read my Bible.

At the start of last year, I started a reading plan to read the Bible in one year reading 3-4 chapters a day and journaling what I read.

I lasted eleven days.

This isn't the first time I tried and failed to read the Bible the whole way through. I once read through the whole New Testament, but had a hard time going through the Old Testament. Before that I started from Genesis and got through half of Exodus. Other than those few failed attempts, reading the Bible on my own has only been to either prepare for a Bible study or find scripture for a worship set, and not just reading it myself.

I recently found an old Bible of mine. I replaced it a few years back because it was falling apart. It was a very important Bible to me, because I took it on four of my five tours with The Continentals, and when I moved to Fresno. I even had my name tag from The Price Is Right stuck on the inside of the back cover. I picked it up, and not only was it worn out, it also had notes all over it. I wrote in the margins, underlined verses, circled words, and also wrote down the date of when I read the chapter.

Why can't I do that again?

Here I am. I was an English/Philosophy Major in college. I wrote all over my textbooks. But for some reason, about the time I started writing in my books, I stopped writing in my Bible.

This year I've been reading a lot, but not my Bible. So for Lent, I'm giving up reading, and reading only my Bible. I'm writing in the margins, underlining passages, circling words and phrases, pointing arrows to linking parts, and basically just wearing out my Bible. I'm not sitting down at a specific time of day, or setting a timer to make sure I read for at least fifteen minutes, or putting so much effort into reading the Bible "the right way", I'm just reading it. If I read one chapter, or if I read a whole book, it doesn't matter. I'll read as much as I can whenever I can. I can find the time throughout the day to read any other book, why not just read the Bible instead. 

I wasn't sure if this sounded pretentious or self-righteous, so I ran it by Michelle. I thought she would tell me how holier-than-thou it sounded, but she was on board! 

"You've been reading so much lately, and it'll be good for you to read your Bible. That sounds like a good plan." (I love my wife.)

I then saw the above quote from Bob Goff on his Instagram, and it helped put Lent into perspective for me. I'm not just removing and replacing something from my life; I'm renewing the passion and thirst for God's Word that I need. I'm not saying "I don't need books", I'm saying "I need more of you God!"

I'm hoping this next month and a half to find that passion and joy I used to have for reading the Bible, while being as intentional about reading as I have with the last 1669 pages.

"Supergods" by Grant Morrison

One of my goals was to write more, and that included a book review of each book I read this year. If anything, this is more for me, because it's getting me to write more, and help me remember what I've read.

Click photo for link

I saw that Grant Morrison had written a non-fiction, non-comic book, but I didn't dig into the content until seeing the paperback edition at Barnes and Noble and looked more into what the book was about. I was interested.

What I thought the book was about and what the book ended up being about were slightly different. I thought the book was about how comic book heroes represented society, and how they changed with society. It was that, but it was also a history book mixed with a memoir. He goes through the origin of the superhero, who created each superhero, and also why. Morrison continues on talking about the major shifts in comics, and the significant writers that lead the shifts. A great example of this was Stan Lee with Marvel comics. I knew he was significant with comics for the characters he created, but Morrison's analysis of it changes the way I look at Spider-man and Fantastic Four.

Morrison throws in a few personal stories here and there, mostly about what he was going through when he started with comics, why he wanted to write comics, the drugs he took that helped create some of his twisted stories, and how he uses his knowledge of superheroes to change the trajectory of comics. At times it gets a little preachy, like where he gets into a really bad trip. Not sure if it was a hallucination caused by drugs or bad health, or an actual trip outside of the fifth dimension, but it was unsettling. Either way, Morrison doesn't hold back on his personal story.

For any person wanting a better understanding of why superheroes matter in society, or if you are wanting a good argument for the importance of superheroes in society, you'll like this book.

I Don't Do Resolutions

When the new year comes, I don't make resolutions.
Instead, I set goals.
I don't know where I got the idea, but I remember seeing somewhere how if you set a goal instead of making a resolution, you have a better chance of accomplishing the change you want in the new year.
This year I have a few goals I wish to reach before the close of 2014.

1 - I want to have a greater presence online.

I have accounts with most social networking sites, including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, and Blogger, but I feel like I spend more time looking at other people's posts, and less posting myself. And whenever I do post anything, I'm just re-posting someone else, or posting I found online, but hardly anything new. So I will be trying to post more updates, pictures, videos, and blogs. I have all these creative outlets, and I'm not utilizing them as much as I should.

2 - I want to run more.

Over a year ago, I started running. After a few months, I started getting really bad shinsplints. I did everything I was supposed to do to get rid of and prevent them, but they kept coming back. After talking with friends who know more about running than me, the culprit is most likely my shoes. I need to get some new ones, but I can't convince myself to spend the $100 for a good pair of kicks, and I don't want to just buy some cheap ones that will just put me back in the same spot within a few months. Before my shoes started betraying me, I was running a 15 minute mile, and the longest was two miles. Before the year ends, I want to be able to run for at least an hour straight.

3 - I want to write more.

I always tell people I'm a writer, and that I want to be a published author, but I can't remember the last time I sat down and seriously wrote out a story. I have a few ideas going all over the place, but they just stay ideas. My goal is to have at least a rough draft of a novel (a really rough draft) or at least three finished short stories by the end of the year.

Of course, I will also still try to read 10,000 pages. Last year I tried reading more non-fiction, which was great, but I think I need to get back to reading more fiction. I was so concerned about learning something from a book, I think I forgot the simple joy of reading a good story, and that you can learn something from a good story.

2013 in Books

A while back, I started a goal of trying to read 10,000 pages a year. I first had a goal of twelve books a year, but I saw how quickly that made me want to read smaller, easier books, and not try to tackle larger books. And why wouldn't I? Why read The Fountainhead (727 pages) when I can read Shopgirl (130 pages) and reach my goal faster?

I thought of the pages goal after I got my Goodreads account (goodreads.com) and saw that it gives you stats on everything you've read through the year, breaking down how many books, pages, and also a chart of different genres (or shelves). It calculated ten books and 4375 pages for 2011, and this wasn't logging every single book I read either.

Suddenly, twelve books seemed small.

In 2012, I started out the goal of trying to read 10,000 pages, and my stats were 36 books, and 8850 pages. Great number of books, but just shy of my page goal. Last year wasn't as good as 2012, but was still good. 25 books, and 8078 pages. Eleven less books, but only 772 pages less.

In 2012, the average size of the book I read was 245.83 pages. But, the average size book I read in 2013 was 323.12! Which means that even though I read less, I was reading bigger books!

IMPROVEMENT!!!

I decided to add a new goal this year. I will also write a quick summery/review of every book I read. Since I haven't written anything for the books last year, I'll do a quick rundown of all 2013 books.

My brother David bought me The Walking Dead Compendium 1, which contains the first eight volume's, and I was hooked. When I finished it, I went out and bought every single volume, and whenever the next one comes out, I buy it. This issue introduced a new antagonist, a position that has been missing since the Governor. While it's exciting to see someone come along who has to potential to be as bad, if not worse than the Governor, it came at the demise of one of my favorite characters, and it wasn't pretty. This one had a great ending that made me mad that I'd have to wait another five months for the next book to come out.

Bone is one of my all time favorite books. I have read it at least three times, which is a huge commitment, since it is 1344 pages long, and weighs as much as an encyclopedia. Michelle got me the 20th Anniversary Edition for Christmas the prior year, that comes in a hardcover and slipcase, and is printed in full color. I was afraid that the comic being in full color might take something from the story, since there was still some imagination of the mind in what the color of everything is, but instead it added a greater depth to the story. One of my favorite scenes from the book is when some of the characters are hiding from Rat Creatures during a lightning storm, and one frame shows them hiding in the dark, the next frame shows the lightning lighting up the sky to see all the Rat Creatures surrounding them, with the next frame going back the them hiding in the dark, and I was afraid that some of the power in that shot would be lost if it wasn't in black and white. No. It was better. I think I'll read this book again as part of my exercise routine.

I borrowed this from my brother Daniel, and I'm reminded that I need to buy it. This is a reimagining of Batman's origin story, and Bruce isn't the only person to get revamped. Alfred sticks out more as not just Bruce's father figure, but mentor. Focusing more on his Special Ops background, they made him someone who has the necessary physical and emotional scars to have the respect of a young man who just had his parent's taken from him.

Another one I borrowed from Daniel and need to get. This is the second part to a reimagining of Superman's story. He's younger, and trying to find his place in this world, and also what he is capable of. There's a part where he fantasizes about what he could do to a dictator before walking away realizing that violence isn't the answer to violence. 

"The Hobbit"
J.R.R. Tolkien

This is a special edition of The Hobbit my sister Katie got me a few years back. It's a leather bound and slip case collectors edition. I wanted to read it before the movie came out, but still haven't seen either Hobbit films. Reading this a second time, I was remembering critiques that I learned Tolkien had about the book from my philosophy class on The Lord of the Rings that I couldn't not think about. I won't tell them to you here, because I don't want to ruin anything for people. But ask me about it sometime, and I'll tell you. But please don't hurt me.

"Building Stories"
Chris Ware

This is the most unique thing I read last year, if not ever. Technically, it's a graphic novel. Physically, it's a box filled with 14 Books, Booklets, Magazines, Newspapers, and Pamphlets, all telling a singular story. They aren't numbered, so where you began and end is entirely up to you, making each reading a different experience. I became a fan of Chris Ware after reading "Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth." With a single page of artwork capturing more emotion than 20 pages of words, Ware's style isn't just changing literary comics or graphic novels, but literature itself. 

"Forgotten God"
Francis Chan with Danae Yankoski

I read this book to lead few group studies at church. I blasted through it in a matter of days, but then reread every chapter as I was going along in the study. Chan is known for being convicting is his preaching, while also pointing at himself as an example, and this book is no different. I wasn't sure what to expect with this book, since most studies of The Holy Spirit tend to be overly charismatic, but not in this case. The basic gist of the book was that if we claim to have The Spirit in us, then we should be living as people who have Christ in us, and be Christ to the world. Worth rereading.

"Red Letter Revolution"
Shane Claiborne and Tony Campolo 

I picked up this book having read "The Irresistible Revolution" a few years back. I saw this book at Barnes and Noble a while back and gave it a shot. Years ago, Campolo coined the term "Red Letter Christian" for people who were Christian, but didn't agree with the politics usually attributed to Christianity, mainly being Republican. This book is a dialogue between Claiborne and Campolo about various issues ranging from Community, the Church, and Missions, to Economics, Immigration, and Politics. This book had a lot of good points to it, but felt more like they were finding Biblical reasons to have the opposite stance as the "religious right." However, agree with them or not, this book starts a much needed dialogue about why we have the the political beliefs we have, and what we should be. Be warned though, if you read this, you better have thick skin. You will be offended.

"Love Does"
Bob Goff

I first heard of Bob Goff from Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" when him and his family jumped into a lake with all their clothes on to say bye to Don and his friend while they were leaving their cabin. Bob Goff embraces whimsy like no one else, and encourages you to live a life worthy of the love we've been given. Just go get this book.

"Start"
Jon Acuff

I first heard of Jon Acuff from his Stuff Christians Like site, and I loved how he was able to write something that was as funny as it was convicting. He started writing career books, the first being "Quitter," where he talked about the steps you can take to leave your job for the career you want. This book, "Start," is like a 288 page pep talk. Much needed for anyone wanting to finish a book, start a business, or switch careers. I liked Quitter better, but both books need to be read multiple times.

"Love Is an Orientation"
Andrew Marin

Almost every book I've been reading cites this book when talking about Homosexuality, so I finally decided to pick it up. This has to be the most important book I read last year. Marin doesn't take a stance on whether being gay is a sin or not. Instead, he stands in the middle and wants to build a bridge between the LGBT and Christian communities, and he gets arrows thrown at him from both sides. This book helps lay the groundwork for a conversation between two groups that would rather shoot arrows at the straw man instead of knowing the flesh and blood person on the other side. Every Christian should read this book.

Vol 18 came out, and due to the popularity of the TV series, they now sale the latest books at Target. I got this and read it in a matter of hours. Nothing much happened in this issue. Mainly it focused on Negan, the new baddy who will beat someone's head in with a baseball bat, keeping a smile on his face. Yeah. He's a sick man, and this volume showed more of how evil he really is. Vol 17 got me excited. 18 just frustrated me because I really just wanted something bad to happen to Negan. But I guess it shows you that you don't want him gone because you don't like him, but because he is pure evil. 

"Cloud Atlas"
David Mitchell

I first saw the trailer for Cloud Atlas on Apple.com (because that's where you go to see movie trailers). It looked like a head-trip of a movie, and when I saw it was a book, I had to pick it up. This book also has some sentimental value since I bought it at City Lights (the bookstore in San Francisco, not the other place in Fresno...). The book is six different stories told throughout time in chronological order, with the first five cutting off half-way through (one story ends mid-sentence, because the next page is missing) until the sixth story, where the stories are then finished in reverse chronological order, all while keeping a forward motion. I still haven't seen the movie. I've herd it's pretty good.

"Torn"
Justin Lee

I saw this book while researching "Love Is an Orientation" and bought them at the same time. While "Love Is an Orientation" is more like a textbook, his book is more of a narrative about Lee's life. He starts out telling his story of when he started thinking he might be gay, how he went about trying to "fix" himself, and how he eventually came to accept himself. It gets a little preachy near the end, but the story itself of how he went into "ex-gay" ministries that offered no help to him because he has a good relationship with his father is enough to make you scream. Again, just like "Love Is an Orientation", a very important book.

"Intellectuals and Society"
Thomas Sowell

Thomas Sowell is an Economist, Social Theorist, Political Philosopher, i.e., Philosophy. I had a professor years ago who said he considers a philosopher to be someone with an idea and the stuff to back it up (he was saying that Steven Pinker, who is a Psychologist, is basically a Philosopher). This book only took me around seven months to finish. Very dense (I had to stop and look up the meaning to a bunch of big words), very long (600+ pages), but very good (the words and pages matched size of the content). The book basically went into his theory on conflicting visions (or worldviews) and how those with a worldview of having a superior intellect who work exclusively in the realm of ideas, (where the work begins and ends with ideas, not practical application) and their ideas are praised, not because they are beneficial to society, but because they have good intentions, and sound good.* This book changed the way I look at politics, especially the whole "wealthy one percent" argument.

*For a much better summery than I can give, just check out the Wikipedia page for the book.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intellectuals_and_Society 

"Jesus for President"
Shane Claiborne
Chris Haw

If you ever see this book somewhere, pick it up and just look through it. It is a beautiful book. Each page is like a piece of art with words. The book is all about politics, and is more like an argument for Christian's being Liberal. Again, it makes for a good read if you like having your beliefs challenged. Although, some of the ideas feel like they started with the politics and added the theology to back up their ideas. It was worth the read, but I disagreed with a lot of it. I think the main thing I learned from this book is that I need to read more books I disagree with.

"Ender's Game"
Orson Scott Card

After about eight years, I finally decided to read Ender's Game. The movie was FINALLY coming out, and I needed to read the book. I haven't read Science Fiction for a while, so it was fun to dive back into this world. I kept kicking myself that I didn't read this sooner. It has been on my shelf for six years, and I only said "someday I'll read it." Man. The story was great, but the real power of this book is in Card's style. Ender is given the task of saving humanity, whether he likes it or not, and you can feel the weight it puts on his soul. Even if you've seen the movie, this book is a must read.

"Speaker For the Dead"
Orson Scott Card

I then went straight to reading the rest of The Ender Quintet. This book was very different from Ender's Game, but the style was still very much Card. A friend told me that in a way, this is the start of a whole new trilogy, and that had to be the best way to put it. Set three thousand years in the future with Ender only aging about 30 years, and once again, he is tasked with saving the world. This time, however, it's a different planet, and he can better handle the weight of this task. The amazing part of this book is how it is a huge setup for the next two books, but you don't know until you get to the other books.

"Becoming the Answer to Our Prayers"
Shane Claiborne
Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove

I needed a break from the Sci-fi for a bit, so I grabbed a short read from my shelf. I bought this book at Urbana four years ago. They had a $5 book deal every day and this was one of them. Of course, it was Shane Claiborne. This focused more how to read prayers from the Bible as plans of action. A very new concept. However, after reading other books by Claiborne, this one had more of the same stories and analogies in it, and like the other books, felt more like it started with politics and added the scripture afterwards. It seemed like he was finding a new way to say the same thing over again. I don't know if I'll be reading any new books by Claiborne for a while.

"Xenocide"
Orson Scott Card

I got back into the Ender series, and this had to be the hardest of the four to read. It started dealing with more abstract ideas, while adding a whole set of new characters. This one continued to lay the groundwork for the next book, but also answered questions from the last one. While not my favorite in the series, it was still Orson Scott Card.

Things start to pick up. I liked this one. That's all I'll say.

"EntreLeadership"
Dave Ramsey

I'm trying to start some business stuff (ask me sometime in person. Otherwise I'll keep you posted on here), and I heard this is a good book for a person starting out. The book is half leadership, half business. It basically outlines everything Ramsey did from the start of his company and how he grew it debt free, and also the leadership mistakes he made, and lessons you can only learn from running you own business. It's kind of like, "Learn from my mistakes." Another book I'll probably be rereading.

"Children Of the Mind"
Orson Scott Card

The final book in the Ender Quintet wrapped up everything nicely. I'm not sure if Card had everything planned out ahead of time, or just let things fall into place. Either way, I liked it. You could probably put all three books after "Ender's Game" (Speaker For the Dead, Xenocide, Children of the Mind) into one long book. I also know that this isn't the end for Ender books, because there is another series (the Shadow series) and prequels and other books that take place during these books. I have Ender's Shadow, but I have other series I'm trying to get to (Like the "A Song of Ice and Fire" series by George R. R. Martin).

"RASL"
Jeff Smith

Daniel got me this book for Christmas. Jeff Smith, the author of Bone (the mentioned earlier) just finished his second series about an art thief who travels between parallel universes that runs into trouble. It's darker and more mature than Bone. Took me all of two days to read, but I think I need to read it again. It had a lot to do with Tesla and some of his theories. I'm not sure how much of it is based on some of Tesla's actual theories, and how much of it is fiction, but it made for a crazy trip. I can't wait to see what Smith comes out with next.

The last book of the year that I read. I picked it up at Barnes and Noble for 50% off. If you've heard of The Oatmeal, then I don't need to say anything. If you haven't heard of it, check the website (http://theoatmeal.com/), but be warned, it is offensive stuff. I need to get the other books. It's fun stuff to just pick up and read for a quick laugh.

That's it. My goal this coming year is to do a quick summery/review of a book whenever I finish it instead of waiting until the end of the year to do a long post like this. You get major points if you read every single word of this post. If you didn't, I wouldn't blame you.

Day off

I had a day off from work on Tuesday. I could have spent it at home, sitting down in front of the television catching up on shows on Netflix, or watching one of the many movies I have but haven't seen yet, but I decided I needed to have a couple doctor's appointments.

I had my first appointment with my Gastroenterologist in the morning. He is thinking that my enlarged liver and spleen is because of Fatty Liver. This isn't the first time I have had to deal with this. 

About ten years ago, I gave blood for the first time, and it was rejected due to liver enzymes in my blood. This started some good times with visits to the doctor where I had Fatty Liver, and after some diet and exercise, it went away. Going through the process, I got all kinds of questions from the doctor.
I'll never forget being 18 years old, sitting in the doctor's room, and him asking me...
"Do you drink alcohol?"
"No."
"Have you ever used any illegal drugs, like cocaine, heroin, or meth?"
"Uh. No."
"Have you had multiple sexual partners?"
"Uh.... No. I've never had sex."
"And you're sure you don't drink alcohol?"
"I'm a pretty boring guy."
At least I felt that way.
He asked these questions because Fatty Liver is usually a symptom of Hepatitis, and he wanted to rule out getting sick due to a wild and crazy party life on the weekends
"Like I said, I lead a low-risk, boring life."
So when the new doctor started asking me similar questions, I just laughed.
"Have you ever snorted coke?"
"No."
"Have you ever injected heroin?"
"No."
"Have you ever solicited a prostitute?"
"Heh. No. Not at all"
And I found myself repeating my famous words from ten years ago.
"I'm a pretty boring guy."
The doctor thinks it is fatty liver, and that weight loss will help. He also wants me to avoid alcohol for the next three months. I don't drink much, but he wants to make sure this isn't a cause.
He said the same thing my primary doctor has said: "Diet and exercise should help."

This is where my back issues come into play.

The results from my MRI came back saying that the disc between my L5 and S1 vertebrae is bulging into the nerves of my lower back. Instead of sending me to a specialist, the doctor referred me out for physical therapy, which I started in the afternoon.

I wasn't sure what to expect, this being my first time going to a physical therapist and all, but I expected more questions, which is how my session started out. 

First he wanted to know how long I've had the pain, the location of the pain, how bad the pain was, and all that wonderful stuff. After a deep tissue massage, I had a device strapped on that basically did the same thing an Inversion Table does, without blood rushing to my head. I laid flat on the table, with one belt strapped around my stomach, and the other around my waist, and then the two would separate, lifting pressure from my L5-S1 disc. I sat there for about 30 wishing I had a book with me. 

Afterwards I got some exercises to straighten my core, which will take some of the pressure off my back, give me better posture, and (this is just my hopes) some rock hard abs. 

It all lasts about an hour and a half, by which time I hate everything. But, Michelle keeps reminding me that this will only be for a short while, and the results will last for a long time. I'll try to keep that thought in mind as I'm doing these exercises that borderline on torture.